fishmonger19 (fishmonger19) wrote,

Tossing a Dwarf Salad

This was just introduced to me. This is an actual movie.

Let me say that again. This is an actual movie.

It seems like a joke, given a) the premise; b) the voiceover narration that's oddly reminiscent of that family-comedy remix of The Shining trailer; c) the premise; d) the wealth of notable movie stars in what is clearly destined for direct-to-video purgation; e) the premise; f) the premise; and g) the fact that Gary Oldman is playing a dwarf.

"In the role of a lifetime," no less.

Gary Oldman is playing a dwarf. In a movie filled with actual "little people" actors.

Which begs the question: why is this "the role of a lifetime?" Is it because, what, it's so brave of him to play something so hideous and weird and bizarre? THERE ARE ACTUAL DWARVES IN THE CAST, NARRATOR! YOU KNOW THEY CAN HEAR YOU, RIGHT?!

Now, of course, the fact that this movie exists isn't Gary Oldman's fault (although, can anyone tell me WHY he said yes to this role? Answer: no, no one can), but according to the 30 seconds of research I did, much of Oldman's role was filmed with him ACTING ON HIS KNEES.

This raises the deliciously awkward scenario: when they were done with a take, did he stand up and stroll over to craft services as his smaller castmates glared with resentment as this giant steals not only the choicest snackfoods on the table, but one of the few leading roles that could've actually gone to a dwarf actor? Or, equally awesome, did he stay in character with the rest of the cast, like some lilliputian Jane Goodall, hoping they forget and accept him as one of their own?

This is a real movie. This actually got made.

I'll tell ya, I'd be at a profound loss if there wasn't such a neat, uplifting moral so clearly expressed in this trailer. "When the going gets rough, it's only the size of your heart that counts."

So, you know, just thank the Lord you heart has no developmental disorders that might have made it physically smaller than a normal heart. 'Cause then you'd be fucked.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic
That CGI is amazing. Could you imagine if that actually got made??
Great writing! I want you to follow up to this topic!?!